John 13:21 (Jesus) “I am telling you the truth: one of you is going to betray me.”
My wife and I recently had the great privilege of spending a weekend with a young couple who are leaders in their local church. They are an amazing couple and asked many outstanding questions. One of the questions that came up was “What is the most difficult thing or things you have faced, and all leaders face?”
We took some time to dig deep into the issue, and as we did, it became clear from their expressions that this wasn’t the first time they had encountered this challenge, even at their young age. I believe it was reassuring for them to realize that they weren’t alone and that this wasn’t some rare or abnormal experience. As we unpacked both God’s design and the enemy’s strategy in moments like these, it helped lift the weight of condemnation the enemy often tries to place on God’s people, especially leaders. That kind of condemnation is one of his schemes to sideline and neutralize us. As Paul wrote, “so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes” (2 Corinthians 2:11).
Unpacking the Greatest Pain in Authentic Relational Leadership
Jesus repeatedly showed us that there are two things we are to pursue, above everything else, “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself, there is no greater commandments that these two” (Mark 12:28-34, Matthew 22:36-40, Luke 10:25-28, Deuteronomy 6:4, 10:12, 30:6).
Why are these two things so important? God’s Kingdom is relational (Romans 14:13-19), because God is loving and relational. God does not just love; “GOD IS LOVE.” He is the origin of love, and love is relationally expressed. If we walk with God, we will walk in love. This is essential for us to be a living testimony of God in and through us. John repeats this assertion frequently in his writings.
- 1 John 4:7-21 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. (8) The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love…(11) Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another…(19) We love, because He first loved us. (20) If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. (21) And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
Because of God’s design, the enemy continues to tempt God’s people to hinder or abandon walking in His relational love. This causes leaders to face two of the most challenging things in leadership: “LOVE GROWING COLD and BETRAYAL.” Jesus warned us of this happening in the latter times, which we see all around us.
- Matthew 24:3-12 …the disciples came to Him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things happen, and what will be the sign of Your coming, and of the end of the age?” (4) And Jesus answered and said to them, “See to it that no one misleads you… (10) “At that time many will fall away and will BETRAY ONE ANOTHER and hate one another. (11) “Many false prophets will arise and will mislead many. (12) “Because lawlessness is increased, MOST PEOPLE’S LOVE WILL GROW COLD.”
The Challenge of Cold Love, Betrayal, and Abandonment
Years ago, I read a powerful article by H.L. Roush titled The Blessing of Betrayal. It wasn’t an easy read, but its truth resonates deeply, especially for those who lead others in the family life of God. Almost every leader who dares to walk in close, covenantal love among His family will face the sting of betrayal or abandonment. Sadly, it’s also one of the main reasons many give up on the vision of the church walking together as a spiritual family.
A Sobering Promise from Jesus
There’s great joy in walking together as God’s family, but Jesus gave us a sobering warning that dismantles any naïve expectations about relationships:
- Luke 21:16 NASB You will be betrayed even by parents and brothers and relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death.
This is not just a possibility, it’s a prophetic certainty of the last days. This is not an isolated problem. It’s woven into the fabric of spiritual warfare and the fallen human condition.
When the People Closest Cause the Deepest Pain
The people who bless us the most often carry the potential to wound us the deepest. I often say, “There is no greater blessing than family blessing, but also no greater pain than family pain!” Like a spouse who walks away from their vows, a parent who walks away from their family, or a close brother in Christ who once stood with you but later abandons the mission, these wounds cut deep.
Scripture is full of such stories:
- David was betrayed by his son, Absalom (2 Samuel 15–19).
- Paul was deserted by Demas (2 Timothy 4:10) and harmed by Alexander the coppersmith (2 Timothy 4:14).
- Paul and Barnabas were abandoned by Mark (Acts 13:5, 13).
- Jesus was betrayed by Judas with a kiss.
Every spiritual family will likely face those like Juda, Demas, or Mark, those who love themselves or other things more than the Lord and His shared mission. Jesus had twelve disciples, but even among them, one “was a devil” (John 6:70-71).
The Pain of Broken Fellowship
Paul called both Demas and Mark “fellow workers” (Phil 1:24; Acts 13:5). Yet both abandoned him. One returned (Mark), and one disappeared (Demas). Their departure did not just hurt, it shook the foundation of shared vision and sacrifice.
True betrayal and abandonment do not come from enemies; they come from companions. As David lamented about Absalom:
- Psalm 55:12–14 “It is not an enemy who reproaches me… But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend.”
This is what makes betrayal so painful: it comes from those we’ve trusted, walked with, sacrificed for, and worshiped beside.
A Common Thread Throughout Redemption History
Scripture is filled with betrayals:
- Abel by Cain
- Esau by Jacob
- Uriah by David and Bathsheba
- Jesus by Judas
- Paul by false brethren
Betrayal is not the exception; it is the experience of nearly every man or woman God has used.
Religious Reasons Can Hide the Real Motives
Judas likely had what seemed like a religious motive, perhaps trying to provoke Jesus into acting like the conquering Messiah. But at the core, it was about thirty pieces of silver.
Today, betrayal often hides behind religious language:
- “I feel led.”
- “God’s doing a new thing.”
- “Not everyone is called to this.”
But sometimes those words are a smokescreen for selfish ambition, fear, or convenience that is behind the departure.
Identifying with Jesus
Betrayal and abandonment give us a sacred opportunity to identify with Christ.
Jesus didn’t just tolerate Judas. He:
- Chose him in prayer (Luke 6:13)
- Washed his feet (John 13:5)
- Gave him a place at the table (John 13:26)
- Loved him until the end, even after Judas kissed Him to identify Him to those arresting Him, Jesus responded by calling him “friend/companion” (Matthew 6:49-50)
Jesus treated Judas with honor and gave him every opportunity to turn.
What God Works in Us Through Betrayal
Despite the pain, God does powerful work through betrayal and abandonment:
We learn to look beyond the person’s hand to the hand of God at work for our good and the good of others.
- Romans 8:28 “… all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”
David recognized this as he endured the cursing of Shimei with a patient spirit. He was open to the possibility of God’s humbling hand at work in it. 2 Samuel 16:7-12…Let him alone and let him curse, for the LORD has told him.
Joseph had the same opportunity to believe God was at work through his brother’s betrayal.
- Genesis 50:20 “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good…” (Gen 45:5-8).
We receive the glorious privilege of sharing in the sufferings of Christ.
- Philippians 3:10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.
Through betrayal, we learn how to love our enemies and to bless those who persecute us.
- Luke 6:28 Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
- Romans 12:14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. The word “bless” means to “eulogize,” or “to speak well of.” The words “curse not” mean to “wish no ill.”
Betrayal often sets in motion a greater working of God through your life.
The betrayal of Joseph set in motion events that ultimately led to the preservation of God’s people.
- Genesis 45:5-8 “Now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life…(8) “Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and lord of all his household and ruler over all the land of Egypt (Genesis 50:18-19).
Judas’s betrayal of Jesus set in motion the events that led to His most significant work, the eternal redemption of God’s people (Acts 2:23). We never really know beforehand all the good things God will work through betrayal.
Through betrayal, we learn that God’s purpose comes more through our weakness than through our strength.
- 2 Corinthians 12:7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me–to keep me from exalting myself!
Through relational disappointments, we gain the ability from God to comfort others who are going through similar trials.
- 2 Corinthians 1:4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Abandonment and betrayal sift God’s seed in us so we make fresh steps of faith.
There is a sifting process that comes to us through abandonment or betrayal. In it, our identity and God’s revelations in us are challenged. So why do we believe what we believe? Is it a good idea or a revelation from God? Do I still believe this if I’m the only one left standing? It presses us to choose again, to follow Jesus not for approval or community, but because He alone is worthy.
When one relationship fails, it can cast doubt on all of them. However, when the revelation that motivates us is from God, the seed is purified in us, and we receive strength in weakness. A resolve comes that causes us to get up and go forward again. This brings strength to others.
- Luke 22:31-32 “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; (32) but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”
Let us make sure (like David did through the ordeal with Absalom) that we walk closely with the God of hope through any betrayal and abandonment, and see something good produced in us to advance the Kingdom of God.
- Psalms 55:1-23 Give ear to my prayer…(22) Cast your burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Betrayal and abandonment are unavoidable on the road of spiritual leadership among God’s family. But they are not wasted pain. They are holy invitations to trust God deeper, to love like Jesus, and to find joy not in human loyalty but in divine faithfulness.
Let your heart be sifted, but not shaken. Jesus has prayed for you. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.